Anyways, i've come to realise how really tough it is for me when it comes to farewells/changes esp when i've grown emotional towards it. I won't feel like crying nor like laughing at anything and everything. A kind of zombie-like behavior afflicts me for at least a week, if not more depending on how emotionally attached i am, until smth i can get excited about excites me again. I guess my response can be regarded as like a kind of blocking thing out feeling to prevent any more hurt/grievance? And this has been reoccurring since jc days. I remember how i really had a tough time getting on with school after bintan trip ended. I had a case of what we called ''post-bintan-sickness''.  Like i knew a couple of us who really enjoyed ourselves suffered from it too. But my was: severe. I would ''cling'' to the memories and even to people who could just hv been on the same trip or would trigger some of those awesome moments to keep breathing! I craved for more. At the same time, i struggled between overcoming these feelings to focus on my studies and to stop being reliant on other people to make my day less painful. 

 Then came the time for guitar to pass the baton over to the next batch, it just felt like i really needed some time on my own to sort out my feelings, hence my decline to its following dinner invitation with my batch. During the handover, i really thought i would cry. Even sarah thought i would. And in fact, i did during camp, cos the video just came as all-too-wonderful-a-surprise, and in the pitch darkness of watching it all, my emotions just took full control. Thankfully there was miss choo's hug, and many more from those who really made my ride in guitar! But on the day itself... maybe it would have felt much better if i had, cos i just couldn't. I had this sense of overwhelming sadness, but i couldn't express it out. Maybe i didn't want anyone to know how close i was to becoming very vulnerable. 

Once again when law internship ended.. i love my fellow interns and the awesome times we had, and it really bruised me when one-by-one we all left. Like it has ENDED. I wanted to read affidavits with them. I wanted to help compile the notes together. I wanted to have loong lunches and breaks with them. I wanted.. anything that would allow us all to be together having fun!! When they left, and eventually when i had to too, i spent the whole week thinking about all of them. Wishing, hoping to see them, somewhere somehow. I was looking for.. For a connection that would rekindled my happiness obtained while spending time with these people. Even if it was embarassingly funny. I wanted to see a recognition in their eyes for this mutual feelings as well. But i saw nothing during dinner. Either that, or, they hid it very well. Much better than i did or ever would. Perhaps that explains why i felt hurt too when he stopped contacting me. For a moment, i thought i've fallen in love with him. But i realised that we were quite so close, i've grown attached to the idea of him around, that when the idea burst like a bubble, he had gone on with life and left me behind to pick up the pieces. Can you imagine that? We weren't even attached, and i already feel this way. Now what if i were to become involved in a relationship?? 

Why can't you show me who you are and be yourself around me? Why can''t you talk to me?

I guess they kinda thought me how less emotionally attached i should learn to be towards things from now onwards. And sometimes i wonder why i chose to be what mom used to chide me as 'cold' towards others. Okie i knew that i seemed arrogant cos i usually bearly cast an eye on others. Haha that reminded me how the day calvin and i went shopping, and he taught me that while at orchard road, its the place to check people out. And yea. I usually don't nor care. Maybe i just knew i couldn't take partings too much. So if i weren't too 'warm' about things, i'd never need to experience sorrow when changes come. I need to be prepared for changes. I need to stop loving what i do too much least it ends. I need God. 

''To have changes in the face of an unchanging God.''